If I didn't have animals . . .

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree -- dog bones, stuffed animals, toys, treats nor would I have to explain to people why I wrap them.

I would have money ... and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids thru college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

My house would not look like a day care center, toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to Spell the words B-A-L-L-, F-R-I-S-B-E-E,  W-A-L-K,
or T-R-E-A-T.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the melting of snow instead of dreading mud season.

I would not have to answer the question "Why do you have so many dogs/animals?" from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get.

. . . How empty my life would be.
 

DOG RULES

• The dog is not allowed in the house.
• Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
• The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture
• The dog can get on the old furniture only.
• Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
• Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
• The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
• The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
• The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
• Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker.

How do I love thee dear dog? Let me count the ways...

I love thee agreeably - enough to let your stinky rawhide on the bed after a run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens.

I love thee steadfastly - enough to devote a year to raising you from a wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control).

I love thee passionately - despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears, eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities.

I love thee well - despite the amazing odours you produce.

I love thee deeply - though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity.

I love thee madly - despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments - in inappropriate places.

I love thee constantly - despite the dog "bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years.

I love thee truly - despite the "doggie landmines" hidden in the grass.

I love thee absolutely - because you never (well, hardly ever) hog the remote control.

I love thee gratefully - because you stay by my side (or on my side).

I love thee devotedly - you mean more to me than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls.

I love thee bravely - enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf.

I love thee monetarily - enough to put the vet's children through college.

I love thee openly - I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake.

I love thee totally - more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life

Why Dogs don't use Computers

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '98.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee.
9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
12. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
13. Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
14. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")
15. Smell U - Smell ME still in beta test.
16. Butt-sniffing more direct & less deceiving than online chat rooms.

My Dear Pets,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit
& Like to Complain About MY Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted angel who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Glossary for Dogs

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

These are 'real' breeds of dog, as collected from license applications and want forms at a US dog shelter:

Westminster Terrier
Rhode Island Ridgeback
Palmeranian
Copper Spaniel
Cocker Spaniard
Black Labrador (from a license app, dog's color was yellow)
Shit Sue
Dorky Terrier
Lopso Apso
El Paso (attempt at Lhasa Apso)
Highland Heeler
Alaskan Malibu
Belgian Manawa
Belgium Malenoise
Basket Hound
Bagle
Welch Corgi
Wild Haired Terrier
Carrion Terrier
Wineamimer
Rockwelders
Rottenwiler
Great Pekingese (supposed to be Pyrenees)
Great Pyramid
Miniature Datsun
Irish Settler
Jack Daniels Terrier
German Police Man
Chesapeake A Retriever
Borderline Collie
Chevy King Charles (Cavalier)

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